Maybe one day I’ll be able to tell you how much I loved you, and how you made me throw all of it away.

People who think Depression is a choice, take a second to think. How would it feel to wake up and not have the emotional strength to face people. To think that time is just passing by with no real reason. To feel so alone even when you are sitting in a room full of people. To have to put on a face and hide your feelings because no one would care anyway. To lose friends because you can’t find the strength to go out and you can’t physically be ‘happy’. To cry yourself to sleep, hoping you wouldn’t wake up then when you do you are exhausted from the night before, and it all starts again. You try to hide your feelings hoping no one would notice and if you slip up all you get called is attention seeking and ‘emo’. Now tell me why someone would choose that? Depression is an illness, not a choice.

(Source: andnofucksweregiven)

So here I am blogging about school stuff again. Seems like I do such a post once every term, but this is quite different from the last.

If you’re in DADP and are aware of the whole context to this post, then feel free to skip below since I’m going to have to spend some time describing what exactly triggered this post.

Last term, we, as a cohort, had the opportunity to individually choose one of two elective modules that we would like to take in the first semester of our second year (I’m currently in the final term of my first year in this course). The two choices were Acting and Directing (AD) (which is, as the name suggests, an applied drama module) and Developmental Issues in Childhood (DIC) (the psychology option). There were a couple of important conditions tied to this exercise; firstly, there would need to be a minimum of 18 students opting for an elective module in order to form a class. Secondly, once we had made our selection, no further changes would be entertained. These two conditions were made very clear from the beginning.

Naturally, my option was Acting and Directing, given that my passion really lies in applied drama work over psychology. But a few weeks later I was told by one of my lecturers, along with several of my classmates, to be mentally prepared that there might not be enough people opting for AD to form a class for the elective to run. Apparently, the administration is very strict on the minimum-18 rule, and it appeared that a repeat of the situation that affected our seniors (i.e. everyone having to take DIC regardless of choice) would happen. At that point in time (I’m still talking about events from last term, by the way), I was disappointed but I knew that little could be done. Indeed, several seniors advised that appealing wouldn’t do much good. At some later date I heard that the figure was 15 vs 45 opting for DIC, but I did not take any action to disseminate the information.

In the past week, the actual figures have been revealed by one of my lecturers, and action has been mounted by several friends who also opted for AD in an attempt to form a class so that the elective can run. Personally, I’m disappointed but calm. I’m disappointed because my right of choice has been taken away by the majority. I’m disappointed because the choice made by the majority has now implicated the vocal minority in a negative way. I’m disappointed because 75% of the cohort evidently thought it wiser to choose DIC, which is purely an extension of another module (ILP) over AD, which covers content and learning that would otherwise be outside the scope of the course. But I’m calm because I’ve known all along that there’d be such an outcome and so I’ve accepted the reality that we’ll all have to take DIC whether we like it or not, and fight harder for our preferred elective modules next time.

I don’t see not being able to take AD as the end of the world because what I’ve resolved to do all along can also be applied to this situation - whatever I cannot learn from this course I shall learn through experience by seeking opportunities, getting out there and doing, creating and reflecting, which has advantages over learning in a purely academic environment. Obviously, some of us who opted for AD are feeling rather affected by the prospect of being forced to take DIC. Appeals have been made, efforts have been undertaken to convince 3 people to change their minds about their choice of electives so that the minimum class size can be met, long texts have been sent. But fundamentally, I don’t see why our lecturers would want to deliberately disappoint us by creating such a situation just for the sake of it. I don’t think they’d want to upset their own students on purpose. I’m willing to bet they aren’t the ones who made the rules in the first place. Raging at them and fighting them isn’t going to accomplish anything because they aren’t necessarily the problem. Has anyone considered that maybe they aren’t yielding because they can’t, rather than because they don’t want to?

I’m all for standing up for what one believes in, fighting for one’s rights, working towards what we want, challenging what we don’t agree with, banding together to engage in discourse and take action about issues we care about, but effective activism needs to target the right entity and be guided by realistic expectations. If we make the supposition that our lecturers don’t make the rules, then it’s clearly an issue with the administration, more commonly referred to as the system. I’m not at all defending the system, but as with any attempt to change any system, time is needed. To be honest, all I really hope the lecturers will do at this point is to explain who’s behind these regulations, why the rules are in place and how the entire process of elective module selection takes place.

What really motivated me to write this post, however, is the next attempt to make AD happen for us - an online petition that’s currently being spread around and signed. I’ve generally been supportive and welcoming of the efforts so far to change the current situation because I know whose side I am on and what I’d like to see, but I refuse to sign this petition even if a positive outcome from the petition would obviously be beneficial to me.

The reason behind my decision is very simple: I cannot and will not sign something I don’t completely agree with. I cannot put my name down on a set of statements that I’d never tell my lecturers in person. Because the content of the petition basically boils down to the two points below:

1. We deserve what we’re asking for.
2. You are in the wrong for not doing something you never said you’d do.

Firstly, we are asking for a favour; we’re asking that our lecturers make an exception to the rules and do something extraordinary for us. Saying we deserve it isn’t a great way to start at all and I couldn’t possibly type that in a petition without reading it again and deleting the text in shame. Secondly, nowhere in the written or verbal information about the elective selection process is it stated that lecturers are obliged to disclose the results of the selection process. How can they be blamed for not doing something they didn’t even say they’d do? The second statement in the petition assumes that this information would be made readily available to us even before stating how unfair it is to disclose the numbers at such a late date. And the comparison is so cringeworthy it hurts. Assumptions are being made about the amount of time that was required to actually collate the results. Thirdly, I’m not confident that the attitude and tone adopted in the two statements are what I’d feel comfortable using when speaking to any lecturer about the issue so I can’t endorse things I’d never actually say. The entire message exposes such a strong sense of entitlement that it actually hurts, even for someone whose mindsets are absolutely nowhere near being conservative.

I’m sorry if my views offend you in any way. I stand by my values and what I believe is right and wrong, as opposed to supporting something just because I would benefit from it along with the rest of the group and everyone would be happy. I’m very sure that I don’t want to have anything to do with the petition in its current state.

Hey Dad,

I love you, I really really do, and you’ll always be my dad, there’s no doubt about that. I just wish it were easier to speak to you because I find it so hard. It’s like, each time I speak to you I’d have thought of exactly what I want to tell you beforehand, just like when I deliver presentations in school because I don’t want you to get the wrong idea or jump to conclusions or start putting me down. I know you don’t intend to put me down or make me feel bad but sometimes the way you say certain things makes me feel that way. I wish you’d talk down to me less and treat me as an equal more and actually recognize the things I’ve done instead of the things I haven’t done. I feel so pressured talking to you that I often feel more at ease talking to my lecturers in school. You say you’ll listen and you ask me to tell you where you’re wrong but when I do actually tell you how you make me feel you just walk away from me. Is that listening? You are my dad and I am your son. Why can’t you listen to me a bit more? I said I didn’t want to talk about going to the army and your next 3 sentences were about going to the army. I’m scared, fucking scared of the prospect of conscription and I’m already trying to manage my fears on my own. I don’t want to talk about it not because I’m scared and simply want to avoid talking about it, but because I’d rather have as few expectations and preconceived notions about the army as possible. Can’t you just let me see things for myself on this one? Can’t you see that the more I talk about it and the more I think about it the more I end up scaring myself? Why else do you think I keep saying I’ll deal with the army when it comes for me. And you say everyone’s scared of the army but I’m not just any other guy. I’m openly gay and I don’t intend to go back into the closet because I’d just be setting myself up for a whole bunch of uncomfortable situations. I don’t even go to the swimming pool, haven’t you realized? So a gay in the army… You’re kidding yourself if you think the army is open to people like me. There’s going to be discrimination from the system, and prejudice from the people. And there’s no way I can escape it. That’s where my fear comes from and its a different kind of fear from what you might be thinking. I really don’t want to talk about the army so please stop forcing me.

I screamed at you because I was set off by you saying you didn’t want to see tears in my eyes and I should be a man. I take such comments very seriously because enforcing gender stereotypes don’t help anyone. In fact, the act of actively reinforcing these gender stereotypes can often lead to bullying, self-image problems, low self-esteem, being ostracized and depression. And no one ever tells me how to be a man, not even you. I don’t need such advice because I am the man I want to be and I really hope you won’t try and make me be any other way. Because I don’t know how to be the man you have in mind. Because to cry is only human and it shows we still have emotions within us, regardless of what we cry about. Because although I’ve lost almost all of my childhood memories post-depression, I still remember how I cried a lot when I was a small child and you’d always tell me to stop crying and be a man. I hate hearing that today, and each time I come across these stupid stereotypes I am honestly very offended.

But this is what saddens me the most and I’m actually crying again as I’m typing this. Why do I have to scream at you so that you’ll tell me you’re proud of me? Why do I have to scream at you before you let me know what you really think about me, before you tell me I’m actually good at doing things? Why must things have to come to this just so that you’ll give me the affirmation and moral support that I’ve always wished I had?

I’m sorry for not being the son you wanted to have.

Love,

Alvin